Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
