So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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