Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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