I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
