if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
