Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
