I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
