I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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