I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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