I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
