I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
