My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
This is the high leading the old right now
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
