I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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