All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
