I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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