Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We got so high we made milksteak
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
