it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
