Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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