she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
