and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
