I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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