Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
