she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
my being single is dangerous.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
