The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
please come you make the beer taste better
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
