I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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