Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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