I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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