how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
