just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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