I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
