I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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