Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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