My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
50% drunk capacity currently
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
