his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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