my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
