i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
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