Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
