im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
