I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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