and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
