I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
