If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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