He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
