two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
