I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
