my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize