Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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