You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
