Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize