does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
