you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I think my moral compass just broke
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
