Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
not ubering you a puppy
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
