after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
