My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
