Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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