how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
