On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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